Monday, September 27, 2010

I think I just woke up.

I think, right now, in this moment, I realize my purpose. I think I realize exactly what I'm supposed to do on this earth, in this life. I'm smiling, I'm shining, and I'm filled with love and Joy. Thank you...Now, the great work begins.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Insane is the new normal!??!!?!?!? : ) LoL, :( : )

I began where I left off from...In a place of darkness and uncertainty sustained by a guiding light from above...The light shown through the clouds but just barely as to manifest itself, almost transforming the terrain into a biblical painting of hope versus despair.Faces made up to be happy, to be workable, in order to get through the day, through the week, though life in this paradigm as who knows it? In the biggining, was it simple? OF COURSE NOT! Why then do we expect something more? A glimpse perhaps that we saw in someone, in people, a second of compassion, an instance of hope and understanding of the human condition, a tear in the gloom of the sky, that showed us light in the darkness as I drove south on I-15 toward my destiny...created or no, we are here and we feel...Chasing heaven. Hoping to be the ones who bring love to the forefront and are congradulated by it. not condemded to burn in eternal brimstone. No no, NO NO NO, this is our life, are we who we want to be are we are we are we?

Do we choose? Are we living within walls we create or do we adapt, America no longer the great melting pot but America the great solid? Look it up, this is all true, if you have the time, if you can break away from working to feed yourself, and your mother, and your children, if you have time to think of the extraordinary, if you do... You must be held accountable we must be held accountable for our actions for our inaction for our sins? whose sins? whose to say what are sins and what are break throughs of intuition and heart? who is to say? so we don't right? can we be wrong for once and that be OK? I didn't do my home work, I didn't read the chapters, I glanced over it and read the inside sleeve because I was tired, over worked and frankly didn't want to!!!!!!! What is my grade? What is my value to society? What is my judgment oh father of fathers? Pass judgment America, France, Iraq, England, Alkyda, Pass judgment on me and on us all, we can take it, we are heroes, we are winners, we are psychologically altered to embrace and forget. We are all actors. And you patronize us for our work, our sins, our reality TV. You deny your faults, we just hide them in a blanket of insecurity and fear. who are you to judge? who are you? Who are you? Reading this...what do you think? Is it crazy? Is it crazy enough? Does the length scare you, you've got something better to do don't you! homework to do, papers to write, jobs bills grocery's, girlfriend, boy-toys, mothers, fathers, brothers, problems, drugs labor love loss emotion expression ext.ext.ext.ext.ext. something else to do...Well so do I. Sleep. I get to sleep. and not think of tomorrow for one time. Then back to the machine it is. and 2010 will continue, marching on with one side wounded and one headlight. BTW!!!!!! We Children of the 90's, children of angst do think about this shit, the problems, the solutions, democrat and repulican, black men and white me, jews and and gentiles, we think and see and feel about it all and not for one second do we blame you for casting this shadow this responsibility on us. NO, instead we take it head on, we sing hallelujah, the national anthem with or without God in it, and we march head first into hell because that's the home grown way we were raised. So...What do you expect?

What ever it is, Screw you, I love you, You're a bitch, you're the best, so unreliable, so beautifully incomprehensible, fantastic and predictable and oh so so so so so very human, and may God have mercy on our souls.

Viva La

Saturday, June 5, 2010


What it is it about us that we desperately need to be seen? “He’s an actor, he really only exists when you’re watching him.”

Did you know that people are different? And sometimes trying to put labels on them in order for you to better understand them can actually hurt them and push them away?

The amount of things I have to day in a day physically and mentally to stay alive is overwhelming.

If I scream inside for 15 years will I eventually be heard? I mean I get that if a tree falls in the forest you might not hear it, but what if 10,000 trees fall, do you think you'll be sitting there sipping your extra foam, soy vanilla, latte and think, "What was that?" Maybe that's how the world will end. With no one even knowing what happened. No one paying attention, everyone just...Have you ever been sitting in a cafe and accidentally listening to someone's conversation? It seems intrusive doesn't it. I wish it wasn't. People need dramatic example to learn they say, who are we to presume what people need? Who are we not to try and figure it out? If life was as simple as being happy, we wouldn't have capitalism, money, or anything that says that I am better or more deserving than you. So is communism happiness? Isn't happiness a word the tries to define a feeling? Whats bigger than happiness?

This is an attempt to get this feeling out of my chest, this lead weight, this burden maybe. Its uncompromising. Uncompromising, like so much in this world. I think that means the world is a part of me, as much as I fight against it. So what's the other part? The falling tree that no one hears?..


Friday, May 28, 2010

The In-betweens

You know the times when you laugh out loud and everyone looks at you wondering what the duce you're laughing at and you're a little embarrassed...except you know it was really funny?
Or...Right after that really satisfying kiss, they walk away and you savor it for a few more seconds?
Or...The feeling you get as the blood rushes up through your chest into your head when you know you're about to get into an argument?

Those times when you've just done something so stupid and there's no going back or the moment before you walk into a party where you know you're "ex" will be, waiting, ... with those eyes. The times when someone touches you and you shake a little as your body responds to the feeling of touch, you try to hide the enjoyment of it and revel in it at the same time. Or those moments when you look at someone for a bit too long but you both acknowledge that its good, you smile, they smile, and then the awkward turn away.

Do you remember the pit in your stomach when someone is about to tell you that a friend was in an accident and is...or aching you get when you realized that you've failed one too many times and as the world closes in on you, all you can do is wait?

Do you remember? These are The In-Betweens, the moments that no one sees, the seconds we keep to ourselves and then store away in our memories. The little idiosyncrasies that make us all human, in my opinion the best and most honest part of us. If you're reading this, rub your arm, I dare you, take a second to just feel what it's like. It can be

It's just a thought, one of many we've had today but didn't think important enough to write down. Well I think you are important,..who ever is reading this, I think you're pretty damn great.



Thursday, February 25, 2010


Wallace...The path to finding Wallace has been one of self examination. It is

uncanny how much Wallace's life mirrors my own yet we are still very different.

As I move into the final days of rehearsal, I look back at my work and remember

a phrase from the play.

"There is a certain kind of agony that seers the s oul of an average man

yearning. Who sees, you know? What might be if he were just a little bit


Every night, I get the chance to tell the story of a man who yearned to become

more, just like me, and every night I am tested, prompted, and pushed to achieve

that goal. To show who this man was and to try to do it well, that's all I

expect of any creative person and Wallace was as creative as any. In a show like

this, for me, it is not about Jerry, the audience, Jennifer the writer, or

Richard, it's about me and Wallace. He lurches over my shoulder and taunts me to

do the work, his work. He is the muse and he whispers ever so softly and

requires of the listener, me, a state of absolute focus and perfect delivery.

This is the kind of role an actor dreams of and dreads, putting everything you

have to the test. In my eyes it is the greatest challenge of my acting career

yet and I owe it to Wallace and I to do it justice . "To make manifest my own

clarion call, to sing the notes the I have written and to know that they are

beautiful." And in the end, when all is said and done, I will take the weight of

portraying a revolutionary off of my tattered shoulders and keep faith that the

audience received the right message. The message that just like Wallace, I am a

human being, nothing that is human is alien to me.

"Oh fyah, fyah lawd, fyah's gonna burn my soul. "

Carleton Bluford

Sunday, December 20, 2009

If you can't Hold on...If you can't hold on...Hold on!

To all the soldiers of the revolution. To all of the people who have reached out to grab their dreams and returned with a fist full of nothing. To everyone who has dreamed of a better world and then awoke in this one. To all of the single mothers, to all of the single fathers, to all of the lonely people. To all who love art because it inspires, not because in brings in a net profit. To all of the parents who see their children on stage and are proud because their kid is trying, not because he/she is getting exposure. To all of the dreamers who believe that love is something so powerful, it's still undefined and misunderstood. To all of the romantics who work to try to define and understand love. To anyone who's ever cried at the end of moulin rouge. To all of the uncompromising family in New York still trying to make it, to everyone in Chicago still on the grind, to everyone in L.A. trying to move on up, and to all my peeps in Utah keeping their dreams alive in a state where only one dream is excepted as they sing "Any dream will do". And to everyone who knows deep down in their core that there is a better way, Hold on.

Believe it or not, Reinforcements are coming.
Viva la Revolution.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

On the set of "The Green Hornet"

As I sit on the steps of building 1201, my belly begins to rumble. I haven't eaten all day and my energy begins to run low. Downtown L.A. stares me in the face as pre-movie magic happens before me. I'm early, and although I knew I would be and would have nothing to do for an hour and a half, I came early anyway. Maybe to make a good impression. Does it matter? (The grumpy woman signing us all in Says "I'll deal with you at 4:30, until then, Sit down!") Apparently not! Yet we don't fight fire with fire now. This lesson I have learned in my travels, time to strap on the guppy smile and take on the honor of being an extra.

Today I saw the sunset in the east. As the sun sets in the west, it reflects off of one of the mamouth Downtown L.A. buildings so bright that it looks and feels like a real sunset. Remarkable, imagine watching the sun set in the middle of a city.

It's a funny thing to put aside your pride and continue forward. It makes everything feel new. like the first time you were on set, the amazement and wonder felt by your eyes as they take in the scenery. We all remember that first time, your smile is as wide as the nile river, continually hoping they give you a speaking part upgrade, watching the actors perform. I decided way back then that this would be my career and I began my journey. 15 years later, I begin again, this time in L.A. Hopefully I will yeild the same results as in previous years.